The Adventures of Captain Scruffy
by C. Allan Churchill
Summary: A kind of sardonic view of Fallout: New Vegas, through the eyes of our hero, Captain Scruffy.
1. Doc Mitchell's House

Create A Character

_I'm bored and it's late. Time to write._

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><p>A bright flash suddenly faded into what looked like the ceiling of an old Goodsprings house-turned doctor's office. Because that's exactly what it was. A man with a bandage on his head sat up on his bed, where he had been out for presumably days.<p>

"You're awake. How 'bout that." Said a mustachioed man dressed like a caravaneer. He was sitting on a chair, and had presumably been watching his patient for hours.

"Yeah. Why am I in an old Goodsprings house-turned doctor's office, anyway?" After saying this, the man, (who had no name or appearance yet) attempted to get up.

The 'doctor' stopped him there, saying, "Woah woah, easy there, easy. You've been out cold a couple of days now. Why don't you just relax a second, get your bearings, and see what the damage is." The balding man finished this sentence with a bit of a creepy rasp, making the man ponder if he was in a weird horror game instead of an RPG.

"You know, you look a lot less detailed than the guys from the intro. Like the guy who shot right into the camera? He almost looked real. Your model is just pathetic compared to _that._"

"How 'bout your name? Can you tell me your name?" The man prodded. A typing menu appeared suddenly in front of our identity-less hero. Quickly throwing all conventions for realism out the window, he typed in 'Captain Scruffy'.

"Huh. You can't say that's what, I'd have picked for ya, but if that's your name that's your name. I'm Doc Mitchell. Welcome to Goodsprings."

Cpt. Scruffy nodded and said "You too."

"Now, I hope you don't mind, but I had to go rooting around in your noggin to pull all the bits of lead out. I take pride in my needle-work, but you better tell me if I left anything out of place. How'd I do?" After saying this, the supposed Doc pulled a device from his nether regions and tried handing it to Scruffy. After a moment of sniffing it, our hero took it.

In the screen the device had, Scruffy looked like a middle-aged blonde man with a bit of a baby-face. After deciding not to suddenly become a woman, Scruffy set to work 'remastering' his appearance. Five minutes later, Captain Scruffy was a 70-something Hispanic man with a 'Survivalist' beard and all of his facial sliders as far to the right as possible. The Captain didn't want to brag, but he looked _adorable._

Scruffy handed back the screen after pressing OK, feeling his face and physique rapidly changing, conforming to what he input on the machine. He then handed it back to Mitchell who jammed it back into his-

The Doc piped up again. "Well, I got most of it right. What mattered, anyway. Okay. No sense keeping you in bed anymore. Let's see if we can get you on your feet."

As the Doc helped up Scruffy, a weight was lifted from his chest. This was not a horror game. Not yet at least.

"Good. Why don't you walk down to the end of the room; Over by that vigor-tester machine there. Take it slow now, it ain't a race." Our hero promptly looked all over the place and then broke into a hard jog to the bright machine. After ignoring more words from the doctor, he pressed 'A' and began changing his attributes.

After realizing that he wasn't playing space invaders, the man dumped all of his points into Charisma and Intelligence. After hitting OK again, he felt all of his muscles shrink. The world began to blur, and Scruffy was feeling quite clumsy on his legs.

"Can I… go back and do that again? I suppose I need *some* strength. Doc?"

"Well, we know your vitals are good, but that don't mean that bullet didn't leave you nutterer than a bighorner dropping." (Author's Note: He really says this.)

"What do you say you take a seat on my couch, and we'll see if your dogs are still barkin'. Alright. I'm gonna say a word, and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Dog"

Captain Scruffy spent a few minutes navigating his options for replying. After deducing that he thought all of his options were crap, he simply said "Beard."

"House."

"That awesome TV show where he's a cranky doctor with leg problems and he diagnoses and it's kind of like Sherlock Holmes but he's a doctor."

"Night."

"Dark, I guess." Scruffy said, after getting bored of looking through more options.

"Bandit."

"Beard."

"Light."

"-Saber." Our hero cut in, almost before Doc was done speaking.

"Mother."

"Beard."

"Hmm. Sometimes when you give tests like this, you learn more than you was hopin' for, and I reckon that ain't always the best thing. But I guess that explains a thing or two about your predicament." The Doc said, while the Hero wonder how he got a southern accent living in Nevada.

"Okay. Now I got a few statements. I want you to tell me how much they sound like something you'd say." Captain Scruffy was really bored by now, and simply disagreed with everything the Doctor said.

"Almost done here. What do you say you have a look at this. Tell me what you see."

"I've figured out by now that it doesn't matter what I say. Just show me." With Scruffy's response a picture magically appeared on a music stand.

"Oh, that… that's what I imagine your nether regions to look like."

The Doc took this in stride, saying , "Okay, how 'bout this one?"

After a second's pondering, our hero responded, "The other side of your nether regions." Having accepted these insults the doctor said, "Last one," and the third picture came with a snap of his fingers. The once-courier ran his fingers through his beard.

"That's two bears high-fiving." Scruffy finally remarked.

"Well, that's all she wrote. I don't have nothing to compare it to, so you'd better just have a look at the results. See if it looks alright to you." After Doc Mitchell finished saying this, another screen popped up. Captain Scruffy could choose what he was good at. Because he could only pick Explosives once, he had to choose Survival and Guns to go along with it. By this time, Captain Scruffy was done listening to what the Doc had to say, so he just waited for another screen to pop up.

The Captain went in to select his traits, picking Wild Wasteland, and almost setting on Small Frame. He decided against it though, seeing how he was already built like a little boy and could barely hold himself up. Just one trait was enough for him.

"Alright, that just about does it. Come with me, I'll see you out." At the door, The doctor outfitted Cpt. Scruffy with a pip-boy, a 9mm pistol with some ammo, and a Vault 21 Jumpsuit.

"Wait, so I've been naked this entire time, then?"

In response, Doc Mitchell merely smiled his ever-shifty smile and then wished Scruffy good luck out in the Wasteland.

Captain Scruffy used his first nine bullets on Mitchell's head, and his second nine all around his torso. He then proceeded to take everything that wasn't bolted down inside of the doctor's office, and well, a couple of things that were bolted down. Our Hero prepared himself for the world outside, and then pressed 'A' at the door.

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><p><em>You liked? You didn't like? Let me know in your review!<em>


	2. Goodsprings

**Part 2: Goodsprings**

Scruffy stepped through the door from the tutorial and into the real world. To his dismay, he didn't automatically gain a level for leaving the starting area, like he did in Fallout 3. Before looking at the town, the Captain pressed 'Start'.

After looking through the menu thoroughly, scruffy changed his settings. He maxed the brightness so he could always see in dungeons, and turned all subtitles on. After messing about with the audio, he finished by changing his difficulty to Very Easy.

"Wouldn't want my, uh, life to be too hard, after all." The man assured himself. Scruffy then pressed every button in turn and saw what they did. When he got bored of pressing 'Y' to jump in place, he opened his pip-boy. Scruffy donned Sexy Sleepwear and a Pre-War hat that he lifted from the late Doc Mitchell's, (rest his soul) house. Then, Scruffy stopped to look at the town. It looked like a decrepit old 'Wild West' town that was abandoned before the war, and then reinhabited after humanity recovered from the fallout.

An old windmill was blowing, but powering nothing, in front of some houses. Scruffy decided against killing and looting some more, as he was already almost past his encumbrance of 50 pounds. Our hero decided to check out the general store first. After pressing 'A' at the door, he was met by Chet.

"You must be the one Doc Mitchell was patching up-"

"I didn't do it! I found him like that when I woke up! I swear it was an accident! He- he, fell down the stairs!" Captain Scruffy frantically explained.

"I've got special weapon mods and different ammo types for you to look at, and I've got more medicine supplies, and armor, if you need any." Chet responded, keeping his usual blank stare.

Scruffy was confused for a moment, but shrugged it off and asked what Chet had for sale. After going through and offering up everything that Mitchell had in his house, the Captain had 222 caps. He used this on two sticks of dynamite and a revolver, with ammo for both of his guns. He was down to 19 caps. Chet thanked Scruffy for his business and our hero left without a word. He found Easy Pete outside of the saloon.

"Howdy. What can easy Pete do for you?" Pete began the conversation.

"Goodbye." Scruffy quickly replied. Our hero decided that his dynamite needed a quick test, so he pulled a lighter from nowhere and then threw the lit bomb at Pete's chair. After looking around to see if anyone had seen the explosion, Scruffy pressed 'A' on his body.

"Score! Two more sticks of dynamite!" Cpt. Scruffy took them and left quickly, no doubt thinking that some locals would investigate the commotion at any moment. After scanning around town, he decided the old abandoned Poseidon Energy gas station would be the best place to hide. Dodging fire from one angry generic NPC, Scruffy tried ducking inside, but found that the door was locked. Our hero threw dynamite at the door, to no avail. Not even a scratch on anything, anywhere. The angry NPC was looking for him and he had nowhere to go.

"Time for a Goodsprings murder montage!" Scruffy decided, and he charged to the town, revolver in hand.

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><p>Six dead settlers, a dog, and a confused Joe Cobb later, Scruffy was back in Chet's store.<p>

"You lookin' to buy some supplies?"

"Show me what you have for sale."

"Can do."

Scruffy sold everything he didn't need that he grabbed from corpses around Goodsprings. Chet simply stared at him blankly until the transaction was completed.

"Give me a shout if you need anything else." Chet said.

"You know Chet, perhaps it's better if I put you out of your misery," Captain Scruffy began, drawing his gun menacingly while Chet stared at something shiny in a bin next to the cash register, "You must have a ton of diseases, if you just sit there staring at things all day, eyes glazed over. Maybe you're a zombie? Are you a zombie, Chet?" Chet never broke his stare from the shiny thing, so it was simple for him not to see Captain Scruffy line up the sights on his revolver, and take aim…

Captain Scruffy hard-jogged up the path to the Goodsprings Cemetery and then continued North, hoping to make it to Vegas. He happened upon a small trail leading straight to the city, right when dusk was approaching. Stumbling through it in the dark, and falling down quite a few times, Chet made it nearly halfway. If his perception were a bit hire, he may have seen the many Cazadors stalking him just out of his vision. They swarmed upon him in a group of three, chasing him and stinging him until he was alive no more.

Scruffy found himself outside of Chet's store, having recently murdered him and taken everything inside.

"Weird, I didn't know that autosave was on." Scruffy remarked, while surveying the town again. He had Goodsprings virtually to himself, aside from the bighorners that were shuffling about. Scruffy gave each house a thorough loot inspection, and took all that he could carry out of them. He dropped what he had in front of the general store, and by the end of the night he had amassed quite a little loot pile.

The night was dry, peaceful leading to dawn. As if all of nature was having a moment of silence for the destroyed town. A bird chirped and then flew off of the cactus on which it was perched, trying to get some kind of food. Nearby, a squirrel, hardly affected by the radiation, scurried up a tree, storing up nuts for the approaching winter. Inside of the prospector saloon, a faulty radio played a song about jingling spurs on repeat, endlessly. A fly buzzed and landed on the dead dog's eye, realizing that it had scored big finding all of these bodies. The left side rearview mirror of the pickup truck behind Scruffy fell off, giving away after 200 years of rust and decay.

Captain Scruffy noticed none of this as he picked out the best loot for what he needed and began a hard jog South towards Primm, leaving Goodsprings richer, and better equipped, but leaving the town a shell of its former self. When our hero was almost out of the town, he farted, and giggled for a few moments.

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><p><em>Personally I think the chapter is crap, but Authorman requested I continue his adventures. This is what I came up with.<em>


	3. Heading South

**Chapter 3: Heading South**

Captain Scruffy ran his fingers through his beard. He unholstered his favorite weapon at the moment, a .357 magnum in prime codition. Then he holstered it again. Then he unholstered it. And holstered it again. And he drew it once more, and then put it away. This had been going on for the last couple of minutes on the road down to Primm. Earlier Scruffy had tried going into third person and jumping, and looking around with it, but that just wasn't cutting it anymore. Finally, he decided to turn his radio on, and sing along.

"It's a sin, to hide behind this heartache…" he began. Suddenly, he was stopped in his tracks by a menu.

_**Before you venture deeper into the wasteland, you may revise your character.**_

This menu was a dream-come true for our hero, as he had been very foolish with his S.P.E.C.I.A.L. attributes selection. After okaying his appearance, and deciding to take Sneak instead of Survival, Scruffy changed about his points. He opted to dump into Intelligence and leave the rest of his scores at an average '5'. Instantly he felt his vision and hearing come back to normal, and his muscles solidified once more. After this he selected 'Finished – Travel Onward' and continued his trek.

"Oh I've got spurs, than jingle jangle jaaaannngleeee! Jingle! Jangle!"

Before he knew it, Cpt. Scruffy was being greeted by an ornery, goggled NCR man at the Northern entrance to Primm.

"Hey, where the hell do you think you're going? Primm is off limits." The soldier inquisitioned.

"Look, if this is about Doc Mitchell, I assure you. He uhh, he uhh… uhh… he drowned! In the bathtub! I tried to save him, but it was too late!" Hurriedly explained the captain, worried that his deeds might finally catch up to him. The tropper merely continued on with his thousand-yard stare, blinking occasionally and swaying slightly.

"…Right. Well, Thanks for the warning, I'll be going now."

"Be careful. You might want to talk to Lieutenant Hayes. He's in a tent by the side of the road. Stick to the West side if you don't want to get shot at. With this the soldier turned around and completed his patrol. Scruffy didn't really want to visit Hayes or anybody that could get him in trouble, but he really had nothing better to do. As Scruffy began walking away, he was hit with another menu.

_**WELCOME TO LEVEL 2**_

Captain Scruffy carefully looked at all of the descriptions for all of his stats, and ran the numbers in his head. Given that he had 15 skill points to spend on even levels, and 14 on odd levels, (according to the ten minute youtube video he had watched on the process) and came up with a diagnostic spreadsheet for his next ten level-ups. Then he threw it out the window and dumped into Sneak. For a perk he took 'Heave, Ho', figuring that his dynamite would be much more effective that way.

Continuing south and sticking West, Scruffy ducked between an old crude shelter of sheet metal and half of a bus. The Great War had truly left its mark on Primm. Only one of several streetlights was on, and the buildings were all tattered and in pieces. Piles of rubble adorned the sidewalks and alleyways. The road was in patches, and bushes and such were growing between the myriad cracks. Going straight through and intersection and past a small barricade, Scruffy found himself at the NCR tent.

"Hello." Greeted Sergeant McGee who was leaning on one such barrier. Scruffy barely noticed him, but chortled when he saw his last name on the HUD when he hard-jogged by. _McGee. That's just a funny name. Hi! I'm Randy McGee! Teehee._

Captain Scruffy continued and pressed 'A' at the tent that had Hayes's label on it. "I'm lieutenant Hayes of the New California Republic Army, 5th battalion, 1st company." Hayes declared.

"Nobody cares." Came the nonchalant reply.

"What is your business?"

Scruffy selected 'What are you doing out here?' in the small chat menu.

"We were sent out here to hold back the tide of convicts from the correctional facility. As you can probably tell, we aren't doing the kind of job we could be doing." All of Scruffy's options here seemed boring, but he decided to go with 'What's the problem with your mission?'

"The mission isn't a problem. The problem is with supplies. The convicts are better armed and organized than our intel originally suggested. I'm trying to get some reinforcements here, maybe some guns with some firepower, but…well…Things are going slow. Now growing very bored with this conversation, Scruffy decided to leave.

"Cool story bro." The captain stated, as he jogged out of the door.

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><p>Captain Scruffy looked at Primm from the road South. It was just a pig, old hull of crap. With a rollercoaster. All benefits aside, (benefits of course being the coaster) there wasn't much value in the place. Scruffy turned to go South, just as <em>Blue Moon<em> came on.

A hundred yards or so, our hero caught up with a few old raiders. Taking this in stride, he calmly slaughturdered them and took all of their shiny equipment and weapons. (Author's Note: I couldn't decide between 'slaughter' and 'murder' because really, it was a bit of both.) Getting to level 2 and spending high on Sneak was really paying off. He was a ninja in pink pajamas. Captain Scruffy then went into his inventory and hotkeyed the new 10mm pistol he had was 'given'.

After jogging hard onwards, and taking a left at an intersection, our hero was ambushed by raiders again, this time at a stop in the middle of Ivanpah Dry Lake. The captain dived behind a billboard and devised a gameplan of running backwards and shooting. More slaughturder ensued. Scruffy left the road warm and soaked with raider blood. Very Easy mode was really beginning to suit him. On the corpses of these terrible ne'er-do-wells he found Absinthe, Psycho, Scotch, Whiskey, Jet, and Beer. Captain Scruffy decided to pour all the liquids into a dirty pitcher he found by the campfire. After inhaling the Jet, he chugged it all.

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><p>When Captain Scruffy awoke, he found himself in a bed in Nipton, legs wrapped around a twitching Mister Gutsy, wearing Vulpes Inculta's wolf hat, and clutching a Cowboy repeater with both hands. Scruffy pushed the bot, which was riddled with .357 holes off of him, and got up. After wiping off what he hoped was drool, he inspected himself in the nearby bathroom's mirror.<p>

"Now _this_, is a freaking hat."


	4. Novac Through Nipton

_My thanks goes out to The Authorman, Cressida Isolde, ELMO-fANcLUB MeMbER, and last but not least, Agent 94, for their kind reviews and critique. It takes a real man (or woman) to review a story, and they done good. - NH_

**Part 4: Novac Though Nipton**

Captain Scruffy checked his pip-boy inventory and saw that he had some interesting objects from the night before. The time read 8:24 as he perused through the machetes, dog meat, and .357 ammo that he had acquired. Scruffy shrugged this off and proceeded to loot the entire house, ceiling to floor. Then he stepped outside.

Nipton was in complete disarray, as anyone who's played through Fallout: New Vegas would know. In front of the captain was a broken house, an old tractor tire leaning up against it. To that house's right was simply a house's frame, the 6x6 planks were a ghastly skeleton of times gone by. Further to the left was the Nipton town hall. On either side in front of the barely hinged door, were piles of burning corpses and tires. Crosses lined the barely-there main street.

Further along, houses were torn up, with windows shattered or gone, and smoke was rising up from at least half of them. Along this street and to the left was another burning pile of wood, tires, and innocent people. To the right was the mutilated body of Oliver Swanick, pieces covering the whole road and smeared along the General Store's front wall. (A/N: Swanick is _annoying_ and I make sure he dies every time I play through Nipton.)

On the way over, Scruffy stopped and took the time to point laughing at each of the hanging, crucified powder gangers. After this, he diligently looted each house for everything he could carry, before turning to the general store.

The Nipton Trading Post, as it was called, was a fairly intact building. Most of the windows were still there. It was two stories tall, and black smoke emitted from the roof. Captain Scruffy entered. The store was a mess on the inside, as you can expect for any stores past the Great War. The riots and looting that must have started during and right after the bombs were dropped probably did most of the damage, although there were signs of more recent struggles. It was here that Captain Scruffy found Boxcars.

"[censored]! I was nodding off before you barged in here! And I don't hurt when I sleep!" Just give me some [censored] Med-X and [censored], will ya?" Boxcars said. Captain Scruffy stood there staring at the man for a while, before looking him up and down. It appeared that his legs were extremely damaged, judging from the weird angles where they bent and the blood soaking his pants. Another sitting target for a dynamite show. Scruffy lit up his TNT and threw it perfectly to land beneath the Ganger's chair, and dived into a small alcove where more broken shelves lay. Boxcars never had a chance.

After the smoke cleared, Scruffy got up and looted around the store. He only picked up some random food items, and used a Weapon Repair Kit that he had found right there on the spot. His encumbrance was nearly maxing. Scruffy left the Trading Post and took the road East, stopping one last time to survey all of the damage. Seeing all of the town's fires and destruction, and not seeing a hint of and Caesar's legion, Scruffy deduced that it was he who caused all of that mayhem. Our hero had encountered three towns and wrecked two of them beyond repair.

"Wow, I need to get me some more of that stuff." Scruffy remarked, staring at the dirty, empty pitcher, and the used Jet canister in his pack. Scruffy turned to the rode and hard-jogged East.

Continuing down the broken road, our hero was met with a frag mine disguised as a traffic cone. _Clever…_ Scruffy thought as he dove behind a nearby overturned semi and jammed a stimpak into his leg. Shots rang out from behind a rock about 50 feet out. Scruffy turned on slaughturder mode. One of his assailants was behind the rock, trying to put a large hole in him with his Grenade Rifle. The criminal never got this chance, as his buddies up on the opposite ridge also had grenade rifles, and terrible aim. A shot smacked right below his chin and exploded on impact. It was massacrificent.

At this point, Captain Scruffy realized that being pinned down in a valley when at least two of the guys pinning him had explosives, probably wasn't a good idea. He broke into a hard-jog up the road to retreat, where he was met by a fourth gunslinger, brandishing a fourth Grenade Rifle. She didn't even get a shot off before she was cut down by our hero's Cowboy Rifle. Captain Scruffy barely even looked back as he grabbed her weapon and ran up the hill. He never saw the men that were on the ridge again, but he vowed that if he did, some real slaughturder would occur.

Running at his usual pace down the road, Captain Scruffy ignored the sights and sounds of nature as he jumped over rubble blocking the street, slid over barriers, and traversed a bridge. At the foot of the bridge he met up with two traders who were running a caravan. After selling everything he picked up in Nipton and restocking on Dynamite, Scruffy plowed on. He completely ignored the Legion ambush party that was waiting for the caravan.

Without warning, a legionnaire with feathers all over his hat appeared behind him, saying, "The Kaissarr has marked you for death!" and drew his weapon. Drawing his own weapon, which was of course his new Grenade Rifle, Captain Scruffy noted that it was shameful that the author would have to use 'slaughturder' three times in the same chapter.

Two explosive shots later, the assassin team was lying all over the road. It was a bloody mess. Scruffy took everything useful from the bodies and charged on, heading to Novac. It was 2:01 when he arrived in Dino-Bite territory. Captain Scruffy rented a room, carefully disregarding and ignoring everything the innkeeper said. Once inside his room in the shanty motel, our hero made a running leap to the bed where he quickly fell asleep, dreaming sweet dreams about how he would destroy _this_ town.

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><p>This is a generic plea commanding you to review this story. If I didn't get my first couple reviews, this story would have ended at the first chapter.<p> 


	5. Run Novac Run

**Part 5: Run Novac Run**

The clock read 11:46 PM when Captain Scruffy stepped out of his motel room and stretched a bit, before surveying the town. Before the war, Novac was the Dino Dee-Lite motel and Dino-Bite gift shop. An attraction South of vegas featuring a life-sized (or bigger) T-Rex. 200 years later, the place was called Novac, but still served much the same purpose. The town presumably got its name from the sign in front of the motel, which meant to read as 'NO VACANCY', but the last four letters were long gone. The dinosaur itself, Scruffy saw, was made of wood with a steel frame. It had begun to rot, and there were patches of wood and broken off chunks, and the green paint no longer showed in many areas.

Situated behind the dinosaur was a courtyard, which was encircled with bungalows and the motel itself, capped off by a chain link fence. Wanting to see the main attraction, Scruffy entered the door on the side of the giant lizard.

"Welcome to the Dino-Bite Gift Shop! I'm Cliff Briscoe. Can I interest you in some T-Rex plush toys? How about some Repconn model rockets? Get them while they're hot, I don't have much stock left." Cliff announced upon seeing our hero enter.

"You are a sad and lonely man, and your only friends are the plush toys. Please never speak to me again." Scruffy said, finally figuring out that it didn't matter what words he spoke. Predictably, Briscoe sat staring at Scruffy, waiting for him to make a proper reply.

"Goodbye." Scruffy said, already running up the stairs to the dinosaur's mouth.

"Woah! Don't sneak up on me like that! What do you want?" whispered a startled Boone. Now this guy interested the Captain. A beret, a sniper rifle, shades. He had the complete package to looking hardcore these days. Scruffy looked through his limited options and chose 'Just looking around.'

"There's nothing up here." Boone said, with his same urgent whisper.

"There's a sniper."

"I think you'd better leave."

"Do you treat everyone around here like this?

"Wait. You just got into town. Maybe you shouldn't go. Not just yet."

"Are you going to try and kill me?" Scruffy asked, honestly wondering where this conversation was going.

"Not unless you give me a reason. I need someone I can trust. You're a stranger. That's a start." Boone said. Deciding to ignore the illogic in that statement, Scruffy asked Boone what he wanted him to do.

"I want you to find something out for me. I don't know if there's anything to find, but I need someone to try. My wife was taken from our home by Legion slavers one night while I was on watch. They knew when to come, what route to take, and they only took Carla. Someone set it up. I don't know who."

"What do I do if I find this person?"

"Bring him out here in front of the nest while I'm on duty. I work nights. I'll give you my NCR beret to put on. It'll be our signal. So I know you're standing with him. And I'll take care of the rest. I need to do this myself." Boone instantly removed his beret and popped it into Captain Scruffy's inventory. Scruffy left and went to the courtyard in the center of town. Where to start...

Our hero thought about the task at hand. He pretty much had a free pass to watch anybody in town's head get blown off. And it was regardless of whether they really did it. Now Scruffy was thinking of who he wanted to bump off the most. He hard-jogged back into the dinosaur, and walked up to Cliff Briscoe.

"Hey hey, Cliffy B! How's it hanging? Look man, I saw a bunch of dino plush toys out in front of the big dinosaur. I need help carrying them all. You interested?" Scruffy asked. Cliff perked up, jumped over his counter, and hard-jogged out in front of the dinosaur.

"Alright Cliff. Try not to get any blood on me…" our hero mumbled as he slipped on the beret. One the way up to Boone, Scruffy paused to loot Cliff Briscoe's shop. After taking anything of value, he set off a TNT inside of the storeroom. Once up there, Scruffy explained to Boone that he really just wanted Cliff to die, and how Boone and him both knew that he was annoying and only had dino-toys to keep him company and how he smelled weird. Boone didn't buy it. A fight ensued. Boone was tougher than Scruffy had expected, but he pulled through in the end after pulling out a 9mm submachine gun that he got from the Legionary Assassins.

Captain Scruffy limped off to his motel room and slept until daylight came. Then he sprung out of bed, miraculously cured of all of his wounds. He took inventory. Two sticks of dynamite left, his Cowboy repeater, some throwing spears, and the aforementioned submachine gun. Oh, and That Gun that he pulled from Briscoe's store.

The Captain stepped out into the fresh morning air, wearing Boone's beret and shade, and Briscoe's Parkstroller outfit. He was going to keep the Vexilarius wolf hat and the Sexy Sleepwear for later. It was time for a Novac Slaughturder montage.

His Novac kill count was up to 8 when he saw his pip-boy light up. He had made it to level four. Instead of dumping into sneak, he dumped into guns. Sneak wasn't paying off as much as he needed, and he figured he could kill people like Boone much quicker if he was better with firearms. Along the way, he found a hunting rifle in terrible condition and a few shots on this one old lady. He used it to sneak-kill a few people, and he loved the gun.

Captain Scruffy took the road North and hard-jogged until he found an unwitting travelling merchant. There he sold almost all of his ill-gotten loot. Further along he stopped and looked back at Novac. It wasn't in ruins, it wasn't burning, or flooded. There were no screams, or smoke, or even a sense of foreboding that you get from being near a destroyed settlement. Novac just had more than half of its population wiped out by one disgruntled gamer, and nobody noticed a thing. _Lovely_, thought Captain Scruffy as he ran towards New Vegas.


	6. They Went That-a-Way

**Part 6: They Went That-a-Way**

Scruffy scrolled briefly through his Pip-Boy. "Caesar's Legion, Vilified… Goodsprings, Vilified… Novac, Vilified… kind of makes me wonder what that word even means."

The man continued at a pleasant stroll north, past Gibson Scrap Yard. He didn't bother to take a look, assuming that there would be nothing of value in a scrap yard. What interested him, however, was the nearby tower of HELIOS One, a remnant spire of the old world. He broke into a hard jog toward the building.

He stopped to survey, standing on a small promontory at the building's front. A huge power-plant type structure stood in front of legions of solar panels, and of course in the center of it all, the tower. In front of the building Scruffy saw a couple of NCR soldiers behind sandbags and another patrolling with a canine.

"You know what, the NCR isn't on my Vilified list yet. Best rectify that." said Scruffy with a grunt of self-approval. He hard-jogged up to the sandbags.

"This is a restricted area. State your business." stated Lt. Haggerty, a youngish-looking soldier with a green beret on her head. Captain Scruffy looked at his options. He could say that he saw the place and wanted to investigate, he could say he was hungry and thought this was a food factory, or he could state that he was taking over the plant and enter combat. I don't think it would take a rocket scientist to figure out which option he chose.

A bullet from Haggerty's pistol ripped into Scruffy's face, which he promptly ignored before pulling out his trusty cowboy repeater. Using VATS he lined up three head shots for Haggerty, but they had almost no effect. One of the other soldiers opened fire, most likely with an NCR-issued rifle, and starting doing real damage. Thoroughly confused, Scruffy did something he had never done before. He ran away from the fight in the other direction.

After taking more hits and being forced to use a stimpak, the Captain realized that his difficulty wasn't on Very Easy, but on Normal mode. He quickly flipped it back to Very Easy and then turned around to fight again.

Nope. The Lieutenant and her buddies were too much for him. He turned tail and ran in the opposite direction, yelping like a frightened Chihuahua.

"I will train! I will come back! You haven't seen the last of me!" He yelled when he was sure that the soldiers couldn't hear him and retaliate. Unfortunately, Haggerty still heard and landed a few more shots, damaging Captain Scruffy within an inch of his life. Chugging two full Sunset Sarsaparilla bottles for health, Scruffy ran on.

He ran into a few raiders who were waiting in ambush for travellers between Novac and a nearby gas station. This was not his day. He hard jogged more.

* * *

><p>He finally stopped running at a Sarsaparilla billboard, a half a mile from HELIOS. Turning around he saw a raider coming at him from a distance. Captain Scruffy levelled his Cowboy Repeater and pulled the trigger, stopping the raider in one shot (Little did he know the raider had already been gravely hurt by a giant fire ant thirty seconds previously.) Naturally, Scruffy began a round of taunts.<p>

"Oh yeah! Get some! I wish somebody were here to see that! I just turned and shot he never even had a chance!"

After paying those respects to the corpse, he stripped it of its Reinforced Leather Armor. Scruffy came to the realization that he had just tried to kill a squad of trained soldiers while wearing a parkstroller outfit. He instantaneously put on the armor and threw the parkstroller clothes at the raider's head.

He had run out of stimpaks and during the fight had to metabolize five bottles of Sarsaparilla just to stay alive. His head, right arm, and body had all been crippled. Luckily, near the billboard lay some makeshift bedding, a fire, and an acoustic guitar leaning against a tree stump. Scruffy didn't worry about who may occupy the site, and slept on the bed for 24 hours.

When he woke up there was a man sitting on the tree stump, watching him.

"What the! How long have you been sitting here watching me?!"

"Howdy there, partner." The man said in a deep voice, his western handlebar mustache wavering with every syllable.

"Who are you? What do you call yourself?"

"My story's a long one, friend, and I can't say as it's all that interesting."

"Do you watch people while they sleep professionally or are you an enthusiastic amateur?" Scruffy asked testily, but predictably the man stood there looking at him blankly. Scruffy selected an option that read "Oh, okay then, never mind."

The man went remained sitting on the stump. Scruffy grabbed the guitar, intending to beat the stranger over the skull with it, which caused the man to get up and draw a weapon…

Scruffy shot him through the face and took his valuables, including a sheriff's hat and the Mysterious Magnum.

"That's a stupid name. A .44 revolver like this isn't mysterious at all, it blows your freaking head off." despite protesting the name, Scruffy drew the gun like an old west cowboy might.

'Dun dun… Dun dun dun _dun_!' came music out of nowhere. Captain Scruffy reholstered and unholstered it. The music came again, sounding like an old cowboy's acoustic guitar. The weapon was now Captain Scruffy's favorite.

He put on the still-bloody sheriff's hat and took off Boone's sunglasses, proclaiming that there was in fact a new sheriff in town. He took off in a hard jog, north once more, singing along to a song on his radio.

"BIG IRON ON HIS HIIIIP!"

"Big Iron! Biiig Iron! Big iron on hiiiis hiiiip!"

* * *

><p>Nearing a trading post in the distance, Scruffy came across a prospector. She was a woman dressed in leather armor and a stormchaser hat.<p>

"Howdy."

"Look look I'm the sheriff!"

He blew her head clean off. And then, as a sheriff, commandeered all of her illegal contraband, which included her armor, her pistol and all of its ammunition.

"I love my job!" Sheriff Scruffy proclaimed, setting his eyes on the trading post.

In exchange for some Nuka-Cola and a dose of Fixer, he traded the pistol he just took, and all of Boone's clothes, coming out of the deal with 73 caps. Scruffy did a bang-up job of repairing his Reinforced Leather Armor with the regular stuff he commandeered.

Below the bridge he found Alexander, a gun runner. The man wouldn't initially sell anything to Scruffy, but he came around after the Captain put on his Sexy Sleepwear. Apparently Alexander had a soft spot for Hispanic men in tasteful pajamas.

He sold his Hunting Rifle and Cowboy repeater, and the acoustic guitar he commandeered, and then bought a Caravan Shotgun, plus ammo for his various weapons, including the grenade rifle.

Scruffy was 50 paces north of the post when he realized that he hadn't even massacred anyone there. Oh well, he thought, sparing them for now. He was itching to get to Benny and shoot him in the face as payback for the time Benny shot him in the face.


	7. Wild Card

**Chapter 7: Wild Card**

After walking for a couple of hours, and a… minor disagreement with Isaac of the Gun Runners with a head blowy-offy ending, Captain-Sheriff Scruffy found himself at the east gates of Freeside. It was a silent evening, just past sunset. The time of night that Bighorner ranchers would come in from the pastures and eat dinner with their sturdy Bighorner ranch wives.

Captain Scruffy, the Sheriff, found Freeside to be in a dire state. Few buildings remained habitable. Hobo fires burned in hollow cans. Kids chased a rat, they looked like they only ate one meal a day if they were lucky. Potential thieves and scam artists seemed to lurk in every alley, and bodyguards lined up waiting to be employed by frightened people on their way to the Strip. Exactly the kind of place where Scruffy, the plunderer felt at home, and the place where the Sheriff, Scruffy, was needed.

"Screw all of that responsibility." said Scruffy, throwing the Sheriff's hat into the nearest hobo fire and putting on Vulpes Inculta's hat once more. "Whatchu know about rocking the wolf on your noggin'?" he inquired to nobody in particular.

"Hey, you looking to get a fix?" came a raspy voice behind him.

"Hell yes I'm looking to get a fix!" Shouted Scruffy. (A/N: Don't do drugs, kids.)

"Good, I'm Dixon. I have Whiskey, Jet, Buffout, Vodka, and some Fixer."

Captain Scruffy bought all of those things, except the Fixer, which he considered to be for lightweight addicts. All of the sudden Dixon shouted for Scruffy to watch out and ran for the bodyguards. Two thugs, one brandishing a knife and the other wielding a sledgehammer ran around the corner. Although Scruffy had long retired from being a sheriff, he pulled out his trusty tool of the trade, the Mysterious Magnum.

'Dun dun… dun dun dun _dun!_' came the music from nowhere. Scruffy fired six shots from his hip in the general direction of the men, and managed to down both of them by the last shot.

"Thank you all, but I'm no hero. I only want what is best in the interest of the town's safety." Scruffy declared, although everyone had gone on with their lives and stopped paying attention to him after the threat was gone.

It was already 8:34pm and Captain Scruffy had had a busy day; he was all tuckered out. He pushed a drunken homeless freesider off some makeshift bedding and called it a night. In the morning he would find Benny.

* * *

><p>At the gate leading to the Strip, Captain Scruffy encountered Old Ben. He looked like and had the name of a pedophile.<p>

"You're new to Freeside, so here's some advice. Don't try to go past the gate without talking to the Securitrons first."

"Yeah whatever," Scruffy said, dismissing the creepy man. The gates _did_ look heavily guarded but Scruffy was sure he could get past with his Mysterious Magnum. Just then a man attempted to run past the robot guards and got blasted to smithereens.

"...Alright. So maybe I'll take Ben's advice." concluded Scruffy. He boldly walked up to the securitron, a one-wheeled blue box with broad shoulders and weapons instead of arms. It was much taller than him. Scruffy was no longer bold.

"Um, hi. I'd like through."

"Submit to a credit check or present a passport before proceeding to the gate. Trespassers will be shot." The robot stated in a metallic, monotonous voice. A viewscreen was in the center of its torso, with the image of a cartoon police officer's face. Scruffy didn't know what the passport business was all about, but it appeared from the options that he needed 2,000 caps to proceed. Scruffy had 1,921 caps, and he would have had enough if he hadn't just bought the whole stock of Dixon's emporium. A resigned sigh escaped our hero's mouth. He was gonna have to sell his drugs back.

Crestfallen and completely sober, Captain Scruffy passed the credit check with exactly 2,000 caps and entered the strip.

This was the real New Vegas. This was what people thought of when they thought of the city. Drunken tourists stumbling around, casinos with plenty of games and bars including one that doubled as a brothel. A million ways to part with your caps. Naturally, Scruffy headed straight for the brothel. A securitron named Victor rolled up to him, the same one from Goodsprings. Scruffy ignored him and walked into Gomorrah.

The man inside was kind of a meanie. "Hey! No one but the Omerta's get weapons inside of Gomorrah. Hand them over." Shrugging, Scruffy complied, thinking hey, I don't need weapons to find a hooker I mean find Benny I don't need weapons for Benny.

_Two hours later…_

Scruffy spent the whole time watching the dancers by the bar, and never worked up the courage to ask for a room or how to get one of the girls in the room with him. Maintaining his pride, he concluded that Benny was nowhere to be found in this Casino and decided to check the next one over.

* * *

><p>The Tops stood slightly damaged against the outline of the Strip. It was short, shorter than all of the other casinos. Maybe that's why its owners, the Chairmen, tried to act cool and manly. They felt inferior about their midget casino. Inside finely dressed dealers dealt on tables to finely dressed gamblers. A man in a white suit worked the chip exchange booth, another man in a white suit checked customers in and made sure they had no weapons. Nobody was aware of the coming bloodbath.<p>

To Scruffy, the men inside looked and acted exactly like the ones who shot him in the head and left him to die.. The Chairman at the door asked for his weapons, which Scruffy now expected.

"Okay. [Keep holdout weapons.]" selected Scruffy. All of his weapons were magically removed from his inventory except for his weapon of choice, the Mysterious Magnum which apparently counted as a holdout weapon even though it was sitting, plainly visible on his hip. He noticed Benny on the stairs and broke into a hard jog for his enemy.

Benny thought the day was going to turn out completely normally. He was pretty sure it was Friday. It started out like any other day. He woke up, pushed the hooker off of him, and lit a cigarette to ease his hangover. He went down the elevator to the main floor, followed by bodyguards. He was heading for the floor and almost made it halfway down the stairs. Then he got shot in the face by a man wearing a wolf hat.

The casino erupted into a massive gunfight. Captain Scruffy mostly ran backwards and then shot the Chairmen in the head with VATS as they ran around corners toward him. When his Magnum ran out of bullets, he used the gun he grabbed from Benny's corpse. It depicted a saintlike woman on both sides of the handle. Perhaps Benny's mom? Anyway, back to then fighting.

"HA! That Pre-War Businesswear don't stop bullets too well does it!" Scruffy hollered, although he had to admit that it was a tasteful dress option, good for a night on the town or in a fancy restaurant. Using VATS and strategic cowardice, Scruffy dispatched all of the chairmen on the flor. After the slaughturder was done, Scruffy found that he had gained three levels.

"Level 7! I am unstoppable!" The Captain now had a wide variety of perks to choose from. There was one, he found, that increased the likelihood of finding bottlecaps. One increased his critical damage with pistols and submachine guns. Another increased his damage threshold. He took Bloody Mess, the one that made corpses more explody.

Captain Scruffy looted all of the cadavers of their weapons and ammunition, and other valuables, including Benny's clothes, some weird chip made of platinum, and the keys to his suite. Scruffy decided to check out the Presidential Suite first. He found Atomic Cocktails, Beer, Wine, Whiskey, Scotch, Vodka, Jet, and purified water for the ninnies who didn't want to drink. Scruffy was in heaven. He drank one vodka, three beers and washed it down with an atomic cocktail. Upon spotting a bed, our hero dressed in his Sexy Sleepwear and went to slumber. It was 1:27pm.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: The Adventures of Captain Scruffy was published in 2011, but here I am in 2014 trying to get it finished. I'm sorry that I was so lazy for so long. I'm going to try to get on a regular update schedule.<em>

_Fun Fact: I have over 225 hours logged on Fallout New Vegas. Alright fun fact over carry on._


	8. Ace In The Hole

**Chapter 8: Ace In The Hole**

Captain Scruffy woke up in the early hours of the morning, feeling like somebody had taken a jackhammer to his brain. He quickly downed another beer to keep the buzz going. He felt stuck. Up until this point he had a drive. He knew that he needed to get revenge at Benny because the deceased Doc Mitchell (rest in peace) told him that Benny (Gone too soon) shot him in the head. He didn't remember anything about his life before that. And now, he didn't know what to do. Scruffy felt he was having an elderly Hispanic man's version of a midlife crisis.

Then, Scruffy noticed a blinking on his Pip-Boy. Out of curiosity he pressed the corresponding button. For the first time on his journey, our hero opened up the Quests page on his watch. The selected objective read:

**-Search Benny's room in the Tops for clues.**

"I'm assuming they mean the nonalcoholic variety…" Scruffy mused. After jumping around the floor of the casino, our hero found an elevator to the 13th floor. Once there, he assumed Benny's room was on this floor. He also assumed that there would be guards. (A/N: Captain Scruffy's assumptions were both correct.)

Scruffy dropped into a crouch and began stalking about, searching for a door that fit his key, if you catch my drift. No wait, I mean exactly that. He snuck by a couple of Chairman guards who were apparently unaware of yesterday's devastation. Scruffy vowed that he would kill them later, after he checked the important-looking room with double doors. His key labelled 'Benny's Suite Key' opened it right up. The place seemed to be a normal hotel room with a front room, a bedroom and a bathroom. But what's behind this door in the bedroom? Scruffy thought. He opened it and was faced with a Securitron.

"AHH I DIDN'T DO IT BENNY TRIPPED DOWN THE STAIRS!" our brave hero screamed, stumbling backwards. But then he saw that the Securitron wasn't actively trying to kill him. Better yet, it was smiling. Scruffy began to trust the robot.

"Hey! Hi there, good to meet you! What can I do for you today!" came the chipper voice, labelled as Yes Man's.

"Umm… What is this place?" Captain Scruffy selected.

"This is Benny's workshop. When the Tops got renovated, he had this half of the floor blocked off for his own use. I guess you could say it's my entire world! I don't think I've ever left this room! But that's okay - I'm not complaining!" Yes Man replied. Scruffy was taken aback but also slightly annoyed by the Securitron's constant happiness. It wasn't every day that one found a robot with emotions, but perhaps that was for good reason.

"Well, what are you doing here?" Captain Scruffy asked the aforementioned smiling screen. The blank smiling look really wasn't all that different from the blank, zombie look that everyone else gave him during their conversation trees.

"Good question! My function is to monitor Mr. House's data network and decode his encrypted transmissions! Allow me to introduce myself! I'm a PDQ-88b Securitron, but you can call me Yes Man!" Was the too-friendly reply. He really did have a way of getting on a man's nerves. Scruffy wondered why this particular Securitron was working for Benny (God rest his poor soul) instead of Mr. House, the enigmatic ruler of the Strip. For once, the dialogue options matched his thoughts.

"Shouldn't you be working for Mr. House? How'd you end up here?"

"As I understand it, I used to be just like all those other Securitrons out on the Strip. But then my neuro-computational matrix was completely reprogrammed! To be nice! Very, very nice!" Yes Man informed. Ooh, now here was a good dialogue option.

"Have you seen this Platinum Chip before?"

"Sure! Benny had me look at it a bunch of times! It's a data storage device, kinda like a holotape but a lot more advanced! As for what's on it, well… Some of Mr. House's data transmissions made it sound like the Chip could upgrade his defenses somehow! That's just a guess though! The chip's a proprietary format! You'd need special hardware to read the data on it! There are two locations with nonstandard hardware on the network - The Lucky 38 and an underground facility at Fortification Hill!"

"Oh, this old thing? I just took it out of Benny's pants because it looked shiny." replied the Captain. He knew that House operated out of the Lucky 38, which would explain having why it had a fancy chip-reader. He didn't know why Fortification Hill, the legion operating base would have one. Scruffy asked Yes Man what Benny (Currently dead) was planning to do with the chip.

"Oh! He wanted to kill Mr. House and use the Platinum Chip to copy my neuro-computational matrix onto the Lucky 38's mainframe! That would give me control over House's defenses, most importantly his securitrons! And then I guess I just do as I'm told! So the chip could be used to take over the Strip. Interesting.

"This appears to be quite the _bargaining chip_ I have here… Get it? Chip? HAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaa…" Scruffy realized he was talking to a robot. "Hmm, could _I_ use the chip to take over? Can that actually be done?"

"Sure! If the Chip can be used to reset administrator privileges, it'll be super easy!"

"So, say I wanted to take over New Vegas?"

"Then I'd have to help you! I mean it seems pretty obvious Benny wouldn't have wanted me to, but hey not my fault I can't say no!" By now, Yes Man's glee was making Scruffy murderous. And you know how the song goes, at some point, something's gotta give.

"Okay okay. Just give me the details on how I do this." Captain Scruffy loved the prospect of running his own city.

Yes Man overenthusiastically explained that Scruffy would have to eliminate House and install his neuro-computative whatever onto the mainframe, and then get to know the region's different factions so that there would be a plan for the upcoming Battle of Hoover dam. Scruffy estimated that by the time he took over New Vegas, went on all of the semi-pointless game-lengthening missions to the meet the various factions, and fought the battle of Hoover Dam, the game's main quest would be over, and he would get to be king of a whole city.

He imagined the possibilities. He would probably be a kind a just ruler at first, albeit someone who imposed sharp penalties for lawbreaking, and then spiral into power abuse and madness. He could force everyone to have surgery to make them old Hispanic men like him. He could dress only in women's clothing and nobody would be allowed to say anything. He could force the factions to tribute a person once a year to fight in a battle royale to the death. No... that last one sounded stupid. But he would have plenty of time to plan his descent into insanity.

Now he just needed to figure out how to get into the Lucky 38.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: Pow! Two updates in one day! Sorry for the amount of dull Yes Man conversation.<em>

_If you haven't reviewed yet, please do! Every time you review, an angel gets its wings*._

_*The author is lying._


	9. Change In Management

**Chapter 9: Change In Management**

Our hero Captain Scruffy crouch-walked again into the hall and dispatched the two Chairmen guards that he vowed to kill so long ago. He was beginning to fall in love with this gun, labelled by his Pip-Boy as 'Maria.' He thought the lady depicted on the handle was pretty hot too, even if it was Benny's mom. _Especially_ if it was Benny's mom. Scruffy left the casino which was still filled with Chairman bodies. Well, you know what they say, he thought, leave the place better than you found it.

Outside, a legion spy named Alerio greeted him, saying, "The eyes of the mighty Kaissarr are upon you…" and Scruffy more or less tuned out the rest, though he caught the gist of it. Caesar wanted him at Fortification Hill, so badly that he was willing to accept and forget what happened during Scruffy's bender in Niption. Captain Scruffy nodded and Alerio seemed to take that as acceptance of Caesar's invitation, and promptly turned around and walked away.

"Hey! Guess what! The bullets of the mighty Scruffy are about to be upon you! All over you!" Scruffy shouted, about to unload Maria on the spy. Before he got the chance he was pulled into a dialogue with an NCR trooper.

"Hey! You there! I have a message for you. It's from Ambassador Crocker. Very Important. Here you go." And a note was deposited in Scruffy inventory.

"What?! No! I was about to shoot Alerio! I used my best action movie line on him and everything! Now I don't even feel like killing him." Scruffy opened his Pip-Boy and read the note with as much begrudging and sass as he could manage. It looked like both the great NCR and the powerful Caesar's legion wanted to meet with him. Naturally he was going to ignore both, and find a way to murder the ruler of New Vegas.

* * *

><p>The Lucky 38 casino was the tallest building still standing after the Great War and all of the years that followed. It was shaped like a spire with a great circular hotel perched on top. Inside was Mr. House, who would die tonight. Captain Scruffy stood in the night looking at the Lucky 38 casino for probably 15 minutes before stepping forward. He didn't want to step forward because Victor was right in front of the door, and honestly, Victor kind of creeped him out. He finally worked up the nerve to approach, but not after consuming two whiskey bottles.<p>

"Well howdy partner! Good to see you again! Boss is waiting for you upstairs, so best get a move on!" greeted Victor, the creepy cowboy Securitron. Behind him the great doors of the Lucky 38 opened. They hadn't opened in 200 years. Scruffy felt he was being swallowed by a giant behemoth as he walked through the doors. Well, not a _giant_ behemoth, but certainly something he could fit inside the mouth cavity of. Hmm. Scruffy felt he was being swallowed by a very angry and confused blue whale as he walked through the doors. Better.

Inside was a decrepit casino. Empty chairs at empty tables. Red lights, remnants of a time more lovely, more lively, more carnal. Two Securitrons watched Scruffy from the floor. A third, one that Victor was somehow inhabiting now, stood at an elevator in the middle of the room. Captain Scruffy ignored all of this as he robbed the place of anything more valuable than an ashtray.

Taking up a carton of cigarettes at the top of a pile, our hero suddenly found that he could no longer move faster than a one-legged dog or even jump. He took the rest of the pile of cartons and investigated his inventory. He was 'overencumbered,' whatever that meant. His weight of 229 exceeded his carrying capacity of 200, and now he would be outpaced by the average grandmother. Then he came up with a plan. He was going to drink.

Scruffy's drank 29 pounds worth of beer, whiskey, and wine, and took a huff of Jet for good measure.

* * *

><p>When he woke up this time, his legs weren't wrapped around a Securitron, but a withered corpse. He was wearing Benny's suit and gripping Maria tightly. Well that's new, Scruffy thought. And then the corpse twitched, and Scruffy realized it was breathing.<p>

"ZOMBIE OH MY GOD I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!" shouted our glorious hero as he started running in the opposite direction. But then he began to realize where he was. The innermost sanctum of the Lucky 38. And this zombie… his name was Mr. House, according to the Pip-Boy… HOUSE! Captain Scruffy was somehow in front of the man he needed to eliminate.

The corpse-man rasped something unintelligible that Captain Scruffy wasn't going to listen to anyway. He lined up Maria and shot House in the littlest toe, which somehow caused his body to explode. Our hero gained a level. He naturally took a perk that let him carry more loot.

When Scruffy emerged from the chamber, he found the the mainframe's floor littered with Securitron corpses. He examined his inventory. During his high he had also taken Med-X and Psycho. He took a mental note of the combination of substances, hoping to recreate that kind of trip at a later date. Now, down to business. He found the mainframe's computer, 'Connection Lost...' across the screen. It looked like stage one of the plan was complete, now to return to Yes Man. Scruffy huffed some hydra to cure his limp and made his way to his least favorite robot.

* * *

><p>"Oh! So you've dispatched House! Meet me at the Lucky 38!" ordered Yes Man.<p>

"Are you serious? I just watched across the Strip from the Lucky 38 just so you could tell me to go back there?" Asked Scruffy, frustrated. Then his screen flashed and Pip-Boy read, '_You are now suffering from Hydra withdrawal.'_

"Great…"

Back at the Lucky 38 Penthouse, Captain Scruffy was greeted grumpily by Yes Man. (A/N: That was a joke, since Yes Man is very enthusiastic.)

"Hi! This is big huh? A very big moment!"

Yes Man took the platinum chip and uploaded his neuro-computational matrix into the mainframe, disabling his current Securiton Vessel. Suddenly the smiling face appeared in giant form on the mainframe screen, to the fright of Scruffy.

"I have something to show you!" came the cheerful voice. Scruffy was suddenly teleported downstairs where he was shown a weapons demonstration of Securitrons. Yes Man showed him how the Platinum Chip upgraded them to make them twice as deadly. When he was teleported upstairs, Yes Man put a note into his inventory.

It stated that a giant stash of Securitrons existed under Fortification Hill and the facility needed the Platinum Chip to upgrade them. A veritable army. He already agreed to a meeting with Caesar anyway. Two birds with one stone.

Scruffy thought Caesar was a pretty cool guy with the conquering and the slavery, but he detested men who purposefully wore skirts. The meeting would be interesting.


	10. Render Unto Caesar

**Part 10: Render Unto Caesar**

Captain Scruffy decided he was going to kill Caesar. In the internal debate between love for a fellow conqueror and hate for men in skirts, hate won out. He had formulated a plan too, a classic. He planned to walk up to Caesar and shoot him in the face. And while he was at Fortification Hill, upgrade his army. Now, Scruffy was no fool and he knew that all the legion in the fort were going to be all over him like hillbillies on gravy once Caesar was hurt. For this he prepared. Using funds that he secured through personnel realignment (read: face shooting) of all of the Powder Gangers and possession realignment (read: stealing) of items inside the Gun Runners building, he had built up an arsenal of weapons, plenty of ammunition, and a few explosives. He had also bought every single kind of stat-boosting chem in the game plus some whiskey and planned to take all of them at once before the fight, transforming him from an angry Hispanic man into some kind of high, drunk, and heavily armed wasteland avenger. Oh, and he had also gained a level. We join Our valiant hero at Cottonwood Cove face to face with Cursor Lucullus.

"Oh, so you're the ones who keep putting people up on crosses… Well, I can't say I agree with your ideas about exterior decorating, but whatever floats your boat.

"Ahway. Are you ready to head upriver?" asked the man. Scruffy stated that he was. "Very well. The trip upriver will take a few hours. Take your place on the raft."

A few seconds later, Scruffy found himself at Caesar's fort. He was greeted by a goateed man with a grunge mohawk.

"By order of Kaisarr, all visitors must disarm and relinquish all banned items. This order also extends to the platinum chip you carry - for now."

"Well shoot, how am I supposed to kill Caesar now…" muttered Scruffy, handing the guard his Assault Carbine, Caravan Shotgun, Grenade Rifle, Hunting Rifle, two Frag Mines, Plasma Pistol and all of his stimpaks and chems that Caesar deemed to be banned, and keeping his holdout weapons. "At least I get to keep my weapon of choice, the Mysterious Magnum, and my girl Maria." He said while gently stroking Maria's handle. "Let's see what the guy wants."

Scruffy found Caesar's tent in the rough middle of the fort, amid scrap fortification, burning fire, slaves and soldiers. Oddly enough, nobody commented on the fact that Scruffy was wearing Vulpes Inculta's wolf hat which he had gained a few days ago through murder. Caesar was sitting on his throne inside the tent, surrounded by loyal guards. Our hero took one look at Caesar's dress (yes, literally a dress) and knew that he must go through with the assassination plan… when he got his weapons back. After skipping Caesar's opening dialogue he asked what he could do to serve him. Best to play like he loved the legion now and then shoot him in the face later. Caesar just wanted Scruffy to go into House's building under Fortification Hill and destroy whatever he found inside. Little did he know, Scruffy was actually going to upgrade the Securitrons inside and _pass it off_ like he destroyed everything. Genius.

At the building the guards handed Scruffy his weapons back for the task. He opened the doors to his army and found the path to the upgrade area heavily guarded with robotic defenses. Our hero gritted his teeth and cracked his knuckles, and then whimpered when he painfully cracked his knuckle too hard. It was time for some personnel realignment.

Cue epic robot murder montage. Scruffy jogged hard through the building, shooting Protectrons in the middle of whatever they had for faces and lobbing pulse grenades and laser turrets.

* * *

><p>Captain Scruffy stood at an an observation window. On the other side stood Securitrons. Not just a few Securitrons, mind, but a legion of them. Scruffy inserted the Platinum Chip into the operation console. The strenuous effort of Chip insertion gained him a level. He was now nearly a master at sneaking and shooting, a true man's most important activities. On the way back to the command tent, guards confiscated his weapons once more.<p>

"I heard the ground shake a while ago, so I'll take that as a success." Caesar was happy to see him. Little did he know, Captain Scruffy now had a whole upgraded Securitron army literally under his nose. Idiot. Idiot in a dress, no less. Caesar then asked him to do more work, but Scruffy hit the goodbye option and started hard jogging away. His Pip-Boy flashed.

_You are now _'accepted' _by the Caesar's Legion._

_Accepted?! What happened to Vilified?_ Scruffy thought angrily. He was going to fix that, and he knew just how. He frolicked over to the main gate guard and using his now-85 Sneak skill, pickpocketed the key to the locker where his weapons were stored. He hid behind a strategically located post and opened up the locker which was right behind the guard. Even though nobody detected him, everyone in the vicinity turned hostile and began shooting him. Odd. Scruffy reloaded the game to just before he opened the locker. He would go shoot Caesar in the face, and then run as fast as he can to his weapons, conveniently located on the opposite side of Fortification Hill. This was either the best idea he ever had, or the worst. Our hero went back up to the tent.

"You know, I think the saying goes, 'render unto Caesar that which belongs to Caesar.' Well, does this bullet belong in your face? Because I'm about to render the crap out of it unto you." stated Scruffy rather poetically. Definitely his best line yet.

Captain Scruffy shot Caesar in the face.

Only, Caesar didn't die.

Gunshots. Angry yells. The growl of guard dogs. Caesar ordering his guards to kill. Scruffy yelping in the same manner as a Chihuahua as he ran. He concluded that this was a fight he was not ready for as he strategically and bravely retreated back to Cottonwood Cove, yelping all the way. His weapons magically reappeared in his inventory when he arrived. A dozen angry legionnaires greeted him. More running, and more yelping occurred.

"I swear it! I vow to return and destroy you all!" He shouted when he was sure that nobody could hear him. A Legion Decanus still heard him and kept shooting his pistol, landing bullets in his torso and head. Captain Scruffy had to use four doses of Turbo just to escape. A few minutes later he had cleared the area and it was safe to fast travel. His Pip-Boy lit up with a message.

_You are now suffering from Turbo withdrawal._

"Are you serious!? You've got to be fu-" Scruffy began. We'll shift the narrative forward to when he was done ranting, about an hour later.

Our valiant, brave hero remembered a vow he had taken previously, when he was dodging bullets from an entirely different pistol. Lt. Haggerty's pistol. He fast travelled to HELIOS One.

"I've returned!" Captain Scruffy spent a full minute trying to think of a witty one-liner to use, but couldn't think of any. He shot Lt. Haggerty in the face. And then he shot her fellow guards and the patrol dog in their faces. The slaughturder made him feel a bit better about his receiving a swift kick in the pants from the Legion.

* * *

><p><em>Next time on Scruffy, our hero pays the White Glove Society a visit.<em>

_Tell your friends! If you don't have any friends, tell your mom! See you next time!_


	11. The Ultra-Luxe

**Part 11: **

Captain Scruffy decided to follow the main quest and learn about the White Glove Society, to decide whether he wanted him around after the Battle of Hoover Dam. Of course, Scruffy had long since planned to kill the members of every single tribe on the list, but he didn't see why he couldn't have some fun first. He bought a white suit, a cowboy hat and glasses from Mick and Ralph's, and began insisting that everyone call him Ross. He was going to investigate the White Glove Society. He realized he didn't need a disguise for that but it made him feel cool.

Our Hero walked into the Ultra-Luxe Casino and kept his holdout weapons from the check-in employee. Given his high Sneak skill he kept four guns and two grenades. And as long as he had Maria in his possession, he didn't care about his two rifles and various mines being taken. A blinking arrow on his Pip-Boy led him straight to man was located in a side room which was as extravagantly decorated as the rest of the place. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling and large fake plants sprouted from pots on the floor. Ross ignored all of this and entered dialogue with Mortimer, a man finely dressed with a top hat and a mustache standing behind a reception desk.

"How may I be of service sir?" Sort of an odd greeting, but then again Ross didn't trust anything that a man with a mustache and a top hat said.

"_What can you tell me about your organization_, Mortimer?" Asked Ross.

"My, such a popular question. I suppose it is only natural to see us and wonder what it is that makes us special. The White Glove Society has only just made itself known to the public, of course, but our pedigree was established over generations. Were we always so refined? I'd be lying if I said yes-" Mortimer began before the investigator skipped the rest of his reply. He asked Mortimer if any work needed done.

"No, not from the likes of you, I'm afraid. I don't think you'd have the stomach for it. Better look elsewhere." Came the curt reply. _I don't have the stomach for it? What are they gonna do, make me eat something weird?_ Scruffy pondered. Now his Pip-Boy displayed two options. He could go back to Yes Man and tell him to ignore the White Glovers, or investigate further by talking to Marjorie. Ross, the Great Investigator was not someone who quit. He sought out Marjorie who stood behind a reception desk in a grandly furnished dining hall. _A lot of standing behind reception desks… suspicious. _Scruffy mused.

Marjorie welcomed him. Ross's only dialogue option other than '_Goodbye_' was to ask if she worked there. Ross knew that she worked there, obviously. Stupid dialogue option. He chose it anyway.

"I do, but one can hardly call it work. I think of myself as a caretaker rather than a common laborer. I suppose it is a labor of love if it can be called a labor at all. We at the White Glove Society are responsible for maintaining the beauty and the class of the Ultra-Luxe. And as its founder I suppose it falls to me to decide how we go about it." Marjorie informed. There was something suspicious about. If Marjorie was the founder of the White Glove Society, how come she wasn't wearing any white gloves? And how come he had no quest options left except to report to Yes Man that everything was A-OK? Ross decided to take the investigation into his own hands and search for clues in the lobby. What he found was Heck Gunderson at the lobby's bar, looking quite distraught.

"I beg your pardon, stranger, but I'm looking for someone. You ain't seen a young man with dark brown hair and a white hat on lately, have you?." Ross shook his head. Heck Gunderson sighed deeply. "Ain't nobody got one darned piece of news about my boy? Not one piece of information? Ain't got one Brahmin unaccounted for across a dozen ranches, but I'm here for an hour and my own son up and disappears on me." Ah! So here was a definite mystery that Ross could solve. This is why he had become The Great Infiltrator, cases like this.

"_Let me help find your son_."

"I'd be more than happy to have you. Heck, I'll hire anybody with a pair of legs and one good eye at this point. There'd be a lot of money in it for you if you can bring him back to me safe." Ross nodded. Now he was motivated not just by mystery but by bottlecaps. The first step was to go around asking people about Heck's son's disappearance. He decided to go back to Marjorie. Back in the dining hall, he pulled out Maria and pointed it between her eyes.

"Excuse me, if you have the time, I had another question. _I'm looking for someone who went missing here recently_, do you know anything about it?" He asked politely, amazed that Marjorie wasn't reacting to the gun at all.

"This again? I thought this was all settled. I answered every one of that investigator's questions to his satisfaction as best as I could. I know our reputation hasn't always been spotless, but that's all in the past now. How some people can't get over it is beyond me. For the last time, The White Glove Society has never and will never consume human flesh for any reason. It's written in the charter."

"What the… who said anything about eating human flesh?! Why would you need something like that in your charter?! Freak." Of course, Marjorie couldn't hear anything that wasn't a selectable dialogue option. He asked about the investigator. She told him the investigator was still staying at the Ultra-Luxe and referred Ross to Mortimer to find him.

"Well, well, well, Mortimer. We meet again. _Marjorie said you gave a free room to a private investigator_."

"Private investigator… yes, I remember the gentleman…" and proceeded to tell Scruffy-Ross where to find the man. Ross, the venerable investigator, broke into a hard jog for the hotel rooms. Turning the key and opening the door, he checked the room out. There were a couple of suitcases in the corner. A lamp was overturned and lying on the floor. A painting above the bed in the room was crooked. Such poor taste from people who called themselves refined and elegant. Oh, and the investigator lay dead in the middle of the floor. Ross sneered.

* * *

><p><em>The plot thickens! Tune in next time to see Ross, the Great Investigator, get to the bottom of the case.<em>

_Also, a note: I decided to italicize the real actual dialogue options that Scruffy says. Anything non-italicized is things Scruffy says but the NPCs don't register._


	12. The Great Investigator

**Part 12: The Great Investigator**

_When we left off, Scruffy had donned the persona of Ross, the Great Investigator, and was investigating a disappearance inside the Ultra-Luxe casino. He just found the body of a previous investigator inside a hotel room._

Ross heard footsteps behind him. It was two White Glove goons brandishing canes. Ross wheeled around, Maria already out of his jacket pocket.

"You don't guys don't look like room service." He said, before shooting four bullets from the hip and taking off both of the goons' heads. He realized that their clothes would make for an excellent disguise. Ross teabagged them both a couple of times before checking the investigator's pockets. He had a messaged written on the back of a matchbox:

_Steam Room. 4 PM._

That's where Ross had to be. Good thing too, he was looking forward to getting his steam on. He walked straight down the corridor to the Ultra-Luxe bathhouse like he owned the place. Unfortunately it was 8:51pm. Ross stood perfectly still outside of the steam room for 18 hours until it was 3:51pm and then entered the steam room fully clothed. He sat on the bench and waited. A man walked in, a man his Pip-Boy labeled as 'Chauncey.'

"Who are you?" Chauncey inquired.

"You do realize that Chauncey is a ridiculously stupid name and you should be very angry at whoever gave you it." Ross cleared his throat. "_I'm looking for someone who went missing._" He said coolly.

"So was the man I was supposed to be meeting here. Where is he?"

"_He's dead."_

"Oh goodness me! They must know he was talking to someone on the inside. They'll be watching everyone closer now. This was a mistake." Ross wondered what kind of self-respecting man would say the phrase 'Oh goodness me.' He asked what Chauncey was so afraid of.

"Mortimer. If he realizes it was me the investigator was planning to meet, he'll have me killed."

"_So Mortimer was behind the disappearance?"_

"Yes," began Chauncey, gaining in nervousness, "The White Glove Society strictly forbids eating humans. But we weren't always the White Glove Society. Mortimer and others have… regressed to the old ways. They've taken many people over the last few months. But always from Freeside or secluded places, where they wouldn't be missed. It wasn't enough. Lately they've gone for tourists here on the Strip. Even in the hotel. I guess that's the hazard of a cannibal becoming a gourmet. It's hard to please a refined palate."

Ross asked him about Ted Gunderson, Heck's son. Chauncey replied that Ted was alive and Mortimer wanted him fresh for the banquet at 7pm in their private section. He detailed Mortimer's plan to secretly serve everybody Ted's flesh and then tell them afterwards. And hopefully they'll all regress back to cannibalism. Ross thanked Chauncey. He knew that Ted must be kept in the kitchens, and he was pretty sure that the dining hall would have doors to the kitchens. That would be his next destination.

Suddenly an assassin walked in and murdered the crap out of Chauncey. Ross beat the man to death with his cane. This game was getting dangerous. Of course, since he was secretly Scruffy, he enjoyed the rising body count and was looking forward to seeing all of the White Glove members eat Ted.

Ross snuck into the kitchens by picking a lock. He wanted to get to the banquet hall before the feast began. He passed through the kitchens to the banquet hall. It was 6:20pm. Ross amused himself by sneaking around and stealing whatever he could while members began to congregate at the large table. Throughout the whole investigation Ross had kept the buzz up with beer. Now he found some whiskey which he poured down his gullet. And then the meal started. All of the White Glove members feasted on the flesh and were completely unaware that it belonged to a person. After the banquet, Mortimer spoke up.

He informed everyone that they had all just eaten human flesh and seemed to be beginning a speech when Ross grew bored.

"How about instead of eating humans, you eat _this_!" Ross hollered, putting on his usual armor and wolf hat, effectively transforming him back into Captain Scruffy. He pulled out Maria and shot Mortimer in the face.

Later on, if anyone asked Scruffy about what happened in the banquet hall that day, he would say that he shot Mortimer and then dived across the table with a pistol in each hand, dishing out headshot after headshot and pulling ninja kung fu moves to avoid the dress canes of the angry cannibals. In truth he ran backwards and fired blindly with his pistol whilst yelping like a chihuahua until the White Glovers were all dead. His Pip-Boy lit up.

'_You are now '_Vilified' _by the White Glove Society._

"Now that's what I'm talking about." To top it all off. He was now level 11. He dumped all of his points into Speech, wanting to be a sweet-talker like Benny (rest in peace) was.

* * *

><p>"You should have seen it, Yes Man! I slid on the table and picked people's heads off with my pistols, and did some sweet kung fu ninja moves to avoid canes, and then fought my way out of there into the Strip. There must have been 50 of them!" Captain Scruffy exclaimed while selecting the option stating that he had killed the White Glove's leaders and they were no longer a problem.<p>

"Whatever you say! One down, four to go." Yes Man answered. Scruffy had to deal with the Boomers, the Great Khans, the Omertas, and the Brotherhood of Steel. He knew that the Omertas were the ones who ran the Gomorrah casino where he tried to find a lady friend a few days back. They would be the closest. Yes Man also helpfully informed Scruffy that Benny thought the Omertas were up to something while he was still alive. It sounded like a job for an investigator. Perhaps Ross was still needed… But first he needed to sleep off his whiskey.


	13. How Little We Know

**Part 13: How Little We Know**

Ross strolled into the Gomorrah entrance, already knowing the drill. The doorman would take his weapons but since he was good at sneaking, he would manage to hide a couple of pistols (God knows where) from the search. He was a professional investigator, and he had received a tip that the Omertas, the gangsters who owned Gomorrah, were up to something. He knew he would soon get to the bottom of it. Ross had recently cracked the case of the White Glove Society, and using his reward (by selling the clothes of all of the members) he purchased new tinted reading glasses, some black formal wear, and plenty of Whiskey. After he was allowed entrance to the place, he figured that the receptionist was as good a place as any to open his investigation.

"Hello. Welcome to Gomorrah. How may I help you?"

"Hey tuts. Girls with looks like yours should be on movie posters, not behind desks. Anyway, _I'm sure you have all the good dirt on what goes on around here." _Said Ross with his best smoldering look. He was already loosening her up for information. The dame then tried to say that he wasn't getting any information without paying up, but he interrupted her.

"_Don't worry about me, I can keep your secrets." _He said. All of the speech points he dumped were beginning to pay off.

"Alright. You look pretty trustworthy." He winked. "All I can tell you is to find Cachino. He's the lowest level lieutenant you're gonna be able to talk to. Some of the girls say he's been involved in shady business the Family really wouldn't like. Ask him about it." Ross thanked her and winked. Then he took another swig of whiskey and sauntered to where his Pip-Boy said Cachino was. When he got to the room, incidentally the dancing room that Scruffy had spent two hours in earlier, Cachino was none too pleased to see him.

He angrily and curse-ladenfuly demanded to know what Ross wanted.

"Well, Cachino, we both know what you've been up to. _I hear you've been doing some business on the side." _Cachino cursed and asked more questions, and then demanded that Ross stop talking to him. That was alright with Ross. Given that he was the Great Investigator he had dealt with men like Cachino before. They were doing something underhanded, but profitable, and they were afraid of the consequences. Ross would just have to prove the shady dealings. Sneaking out of view, Ross crouch-walked back to Cachino and took his Journal out of his pants. Then Ross took it out, waved it in front of Cachino's face, and stuck his tongue out at him. Instantly the man turned from brave and profane to very, very scared. Cachino quickly offered him both caps and information about the Omertas for the journal. This was excellent. The man hinted that the Omerta's were planning something.

"Okay. First, the Bosses, Big Sal and Nero, have been working for a while on this. They're arming themselves like an army, (A/N: How else would they arm themselves Cachino? Come on.) using this new guy, Troike. They also brought in a specialist named Clanden. At least that's what they introduced him as." Then Cachino spilled the beans on both of them, saying that the Bosses were blackmailing Troike into smuggling weapons into the Strip for them, and Clanden didn't seem to have any vices, which was odd in a place such as Gomorrah. Cachino then gave him a key to some of the private areas in Gomorrah.

"Cachino you are turning out to be one helpful dude." Ross hopped along until he got to the second floor and ran into Big Sal. Now, drawing from his wealth of detective skills, he deducted that Big Sal would have something of value on him to be pickpocketed. He was right. Ross took his computer password and then hard jogged to what appeared to be Sal's office. The computer unlocked a safe on the wall behind Ross, and from the safe he lifted Troike's Blackmail Note. It seemed to detail Troike's innocence and the Omerta's exploitation of him. These were bad dudes.

* * *

><p>Ross found Clanden up in his suite.<p>

"Y'know I would've said Clanden is the stupidest name I've ever seen but would you believe it, I met a man named Chauncey yesterday. Chauncey." Clanden looked at him, slightly crosseyed.

"Anyway, _What do you do around here?_"

"A little bit of this, a little bit of that." Came the shifty reply. Ross was tired of dealing with slimy characters such as Clanden. He reminded him that he was beginning to get a bit too old for this detective gig. He was getting tired of it. Maybe he would hang up the cowboy hat and reading glasses when this Omerta business was all over. Ross searched the whole suite top to bottom while Clanden looked on, and found a safe behind a dresser near Clanden's bed.. _Oh he's good_, thought Ross. Ross dropped into sneak and stole the key. Inside the safe Ross found snuff tapes depicting sounds of violent murder. Ross decided to keep the tapes so he could fall asleep to them later. When confronted with the tapes, Clanden pulled out his pistol and shot wildly for Ross.

Ross shot Clanden in the face.

* * *

><p>Ross found him in the lower levels of Gomorrah in a private room.<p>

"Who are you? What do you want? I didn't do anything." Troike said nervously. In fact, that was his chief characteristic. Troike was a nervous man. His eyes shifted back and forth and he had an defensive air about him.

"Hey, take it easy. _Cachino sent me to ask you about some guns._ _I'm looking to help him break up whatever the Bosses are planning._" Ross stated. Troike wasn't biting on that chance. He knew if he broke up the plan the Bosses would gut him like a fish. He said as long as he had a contract with the family he would stay. Ross offered to help him get out of the contract.

"More power to you if you can, but keep me out of it. I've been doing business with Big Sal, so he's going to be your man.

"Wait! Hold up. I have the blackmail proof right here. I stole it from Big Sal, you're welcome very much." Said Ross. Troike thanked him.

"_Okay, so what can you tell me about the guns the Omertas have?_"

"They're keeping them down in a little utility section in the basement. I don't know what they're arming themselves for, but I know it isn't for the good of mankind.

"_What can we do to take care of the guns?" _Ross asked.

"As I little pet project I've been making some thermite. Thermite burns as hot as the devil's asshole and can melt through just about anything. I've been keeping it so if the Family betrays me I can hopefully do some damage before I end up dead or in jail." A solution. Ross asked for the Thermite and a key to the room, and Troike happily complied with both. Ross frolicked down into the room, conveniently located nearby. It was small and full of weapons crates of all kind. Ross took for himself a couple of Sniper Rifles and a Battle Carbine. He proceeded to place Thermite all over, and then detonated it. That wrapped up the problem of the guns. It was time to return to Cachino.

Ross let him know that the guns and Clanden were both taken care of. Cachino told him that the Bosses now needed to die. Ross didn't understand why since the threat was gone, but he was definitely up for some murder. Cachino hatched up a plan. The bosses would be angry and would probably be preparing to call Cachino (who they suspected already of shady dealings) into their office to execute him. Ross would go in with him and they would take out the bosses. Ross opened the menu to put on his Combat Armor but accidentally equiped his Sexy Sleepwear instead. He decided to roll with it.

Ross and Cachino calmly walked up to the offices like professionals. Ross pulled out a frag grenade and threw it between Nero and Big Sal before they began talking. Ross hated speeches. The explosion rocked the room and sent Nero and Big Sal parts flying everywhere. Cachino was miraculously unharmed. So, the Bosses were no longer a threat, nor was the plot to invade the strip. A good day at the office for Ross, The Great Investigator. Shedding a single manly tear, he put his cowboy hat and reading glasses on a nearby table. And so Scruffy walked out of the casino and left his Ross persona behind forever.

* * *

><p>"And then I told Cachino what I had done and then we walked up to meet with the bosses because they were pissed and then and then I blew them up with a grenade!" Scruffy finished telling the tale to the smiling screen of Yes Man. He finally chose a dialogue option.<p>

"_The Omertas were plotting to destroy the Strip, so I killed the conspirators._"

Now Scruffy had the choice between the Boomers, the Great Khans, and the Brotherhood of Steel.


	14. Nellis and Hidden Valley

**Part 14: Nellis**

The Captain walked pleasantly along the road between New Vegas and the Nellis Air Force Base. Giant rocks adorned either side of the road, and in the middle of it a man was rapidly walking towards him.

"Whoa there pal, you better slow down or you'll get blown up like the rest of the idiots who thought they'd scavenge in Boomer territory…" George began. Scruffy disregarded the rest of his speech. He didn't consider himself to be like the rest of the idiots. He was a special idiot. By randomly clicking on dialogue options, our hero ascertained that the man, George, liked to bet travellers whether they could make it to the base's gates alive. No one else had so far survived the trip, which meant he was making a steady living off of the bets. George told Scruffy that if he gave him 300 caps, and survived the bombardment, he would double Scruffy's money. Scruffy declined.

"Since you make a living off of making large bets, it stands to reason that you have a considerable number of caps."

Scruffy shot George in the face, and then pocketed the hundreds of caps found on George's person. Our hero frolicked on until he was in range of the bombardment. Taking a large swig of whiskey and some Med-X, he frolicked on towards the gates. Partially by luck and partially by- no, completely by luck, Scruffy arrived at the gates of Nellis Air Force Base alive. His plan was to eliminate just the leaders and then move on to do the same things to the Khans.

"I'm Raquel, Master-At-Arms of the Nellis homeland. Mother Pearl, our Eldest, wishes to speak with you." the tough-looking woman declared. Mother Pearl sounded like a leader, and now this lady was leading Scruffy right to her. He accepted her invitation. Instantly he was transported to Mother Pearl's cabin, where she and him were alone. No guards nearby, just Scruffy and a cheerful looking little old lady. It's like the game wanted her to be assassinated.

She explained to him that the Boomers hadn't seen an outsider in five years, and there was plenty around the Base that needed to be done.

"So you shoot missiles at me and nearly blow me up, and when I make it into your Base you try to get me to do labors for you?" Scruffy asked testily, but the old woman merely kept smiling at staring at him.

"_Goodbye._" Scruffy shot her in the face and looted a sweet Grenade Launcher from the body.

"Alright who's next?"

* * *

><p>Our lovable, devilishly handsome hero stood outside the Brotherhood of Steel Bunker, in the middle of Hidden Valley. He was pretty sure that Hidden Valley was a brand of ranch dressing, but he was cool with the name. He knew that the Brotherhood would be extremely well-armed and armored, and had spared no expense buying ammunition and explosives and of course<p>

drugs for his assault. He entered the bunker and was immediately surrounded by Brotherhood of Steel Paladins. Their leader asked him for all of his belongings, including his clothes.

"Oh, so it's _that_ kind of party." Scruffy remarked before complying. He was led down deeper in the bunker to talk to a Paladin named Ramos.

"How the hell did you get in here? Normally, I would have already shot you, but I'm under orders to bring you to the Elder. Will you come peacefully?" Scruffy had entered two faction bases and was immediately taken to the leader of the place both times. This was not a good strategy for them. Of course, this time they had stripped Scruffy down and disarmed him. The Elder, MacNamara, instructed him to drive off a nearby NCR Ranger who was investigating the Brotherhood, and then upon deciding that mere instruction wasn't enough, fitted our hero with a bomb collar to make sure the task was completed.

Outside of the bunker doors Scruffy found a chest with all of his gear in it.

He followed the objective marker to the Ranger's position, in a nearby bunker. Now, readers of Scruffy's adventures so far might assume that he would just shoot the ranger and run back, but true experts on Scruffy would know that he planned to engage the man in conversation and try to get experience points for passing Speech challenges.

"_You have to get out of here._" declared Captain Scruffy.

"Now why would I do that?" The NCR Ranger asked, "You see some Powder Gangers on the approach or something?" Scruffy realized then that the ranger was incredibly dense. Scruffy himself had slaughtered all of the Powder Gangers about a week earlier to finance an assault on Fortification Hill. The dialogue options appeared and revealed a Speech check.

[Speech 50] (Lie) "_Powder Gangers use these bunkers as hideouts once or twice a month._"

"You seen that with your own two eyes?" the Ranger inquired, bewildered. Scruffy smiled. "Goddamn, be a rude awakening to find fifteen of them merciless bastards looking down at me snoozing on my bed roll! Thanks for the information. You may've saved my life." he finished, and proceeded to walk away. Now that Scruffy had the experience from the Speech attempt, there was no reason to keep him alive. Scruffy shot the ranger in the crotch with a full clip from Maria. And then another. And then another, until the man fell.

"Maria, I think I love you." Scruffy declared. He then made his way back to the bunker, growing impatient with their games. The Elder greeted him in the front room of the Bunker.

"How did you handle the situation with the Ranger?"

"_The Ranger won't be a problem. He's dead._"

"How do you know he won't be missed, that other rangers won't come looking for him? Or NCR patrols? Did you just make matters worse?"

"Whatever. I refuse to take criticism from men who deliberately lock themselves underground." Scruffy retorted. Even though the Elder was angry, he took the bomb collar off and let Scruffy keep his weapons. He told Scruffy to meet him in the command room when he had some time, and started to walk slowly to the room. Scruffy shot him in the face. Understandably, the Paladin guards around him were pissed.

Our hero took a tactical position on the stairs and downed one with a controlled burst of armored piercing rounds from his Assault Carbine. He fired his grenade launcher into the room a couple of times in an attempt to clear it, crippling his own arm in the process. But the room was clear. Scruffy, ever valiant, turned tail and ran back towards the entrance before any reinforcements could come.

Now only the Great Khans remained in his way.


	15. Penultimatum

**Part 15:**

Red Rock Canyon was beautiful. It was really red, and there was a whole bunch of rock. Scruffy saw some giant red rocks, and was even standing on a bunch of small red rocks. He had never encountered a place that had a more fitting name than Red Rock Canyon. His waypoint was leading him to a cluster of tents and a small house on top of the hill. As he climbed the hill, his Pip-Boy flashed.

_(Optional) Return to Yes Man and tell him that you plan to ignore the Great Khans._

So it was that easy. Captain Scruffy however wasn't the kind of person who did things the easy way. Well, for the most part he _was_ the person who did things the easy way, but gosh darned if he was going to walk all the way out to this godforsaken canyon and then walk back with nothing accomplished. He was going to take some people with him. Wait, no, he wasn't going to take anyone back with him. He was going to kill some people. Scruffy entered the house.

Nobody knows for sure what happened inside, but a witness would later report hearing five gunshots and seeing a crazed Hispanic man hard jog out of the building and away from the canyon.

The game was now set. The side bets were placed. It was the beginning of the end. Scruffy had to report back to Yes Man, but before he did that, he had one more score to settle.

* * *

><p>He came in like a wrecking ball. Assaulting Cottonwood Cove, Captain Scruffy exploded the crap out of the legionaries on the road leading in. Further on a Prime Legionary rushed him, wielding a chainsaw and Scruffy blew him into thin red paste with his revolver. Cursor Lucullus was not expecting to be pulverized by a bullet that send bits of liver and brain flying into the water behind his dock. Scruffy boarded the raft to the fort.<p>

He was welcomed back with open arms. Just kidding. They weren't very happy to see him. Scruffy took Med-x, Mentats, Psycho, Steady, Jet, Buffout and Whiskey all at once.

"Attention all!" He shouted between shotgun bursts, "I'm going to walk up to the tent and murder your leader." The Legion respectfully disagreed, not with their voices, but with the multitude of bullets hailed on him from every which direction. Scruffy began to pop heads much in the same manner as Macklemore pops tags. After dispatching the guards down below, Scruffy began the walk up the stairs to the main fort. Utilizing a sniper rifle, he sent the insides of the guards outside scattering into the four winds. There was some poetic aspect about this that Captain Scruffy completely ignored as he entered the fort.

Inside the gates he met a bullrush (get it? Caesar's Legion flags display a bull) of men. Left and right they fell to Scruffy's Sniper Rifle, Hunting Revolver, Grenade Launcher, Hunting Shotgun, Mysterious Magnum, Hunting Rifle, .44 Magnum Revolver, Assault Carbine, and of course his favorite lass Maria. Caesar and his guard left their tent and joined the fray. Bit by bit, Scruffy dismantled his whole army until none stood on the field except the two giants, himself and Caesar. The Legion Leader was attacking our glorious hero with a displacer glove. It was in that moment Scruffy decided that instead of shooting Caesar in the face, he would take him down without any weapons. That way he could brag to the ladies later that he had managed to kill Caesar barehanded.

And he did. Caesar fell after the 40th haymaker. Scruffy respected the conqueror too much to touch the body with his hands, but disrespected his dress so much to shoot his head off with Maria. Overwhelmed and shedding a tear, the Captain laid down his wolf hat next to the mutilated corpse. It was finished.

* * *

><p>"That accounts for all the tribes you have to get to know! You did a super job wrapping things up! I would also like to mention how beautiful you look today! And I'm not saying that because I have to! Here's some big news! I decoded a military radio transmission, and it turns out the NCR President, Aaron Kimball, is going to visit Hoover Dam! I guess he wants to boost troops' morale, but according to projections Mr. House made, he has an 83.75% of being assassinated! Oops! Anyway, it looks like Mr. House thought it was important to keep President Kimball alive."<p>

"_I don't care what happens to Kimball._" Scruffy replied. It wasn't anything to him if Kimball lived or died. He wanted his own city.

Yes Man gave him an Override Chip and sent him on a pointless legwork quest to boost the Securitron control signal. As if Yes Man couldn't send Victor or somebody to do it. But Scruffy had enough whiskey to last him the trip, and got to sing along loudly to New Vegas Radio playing the same ten songs. He even got a level-up out of the deal when he shot an unsuspecting NCR Sergeant in the face. When the deed was done he returned to Yes Man.

"Exciting news! The legion's massing troops in a staging area east of the dam! Attack imminent! Monster of the East, ready to roll!" Yes Man overenthusiastically reported.

So this was it. Captain Scruffy thought back to all of the people he had killed on his journey here. The entire population of Goodsprings. All of the Legion in Nipton. The entire population of Novac. Countless raiders between towns. All of the Powder Gangers at the NCR prison. Gun Runners personnel. Random Crimson Caravan guards that he didn't really like. Benny. Along with him, most of the Chairmen. The entire White Glove Society. The Omerta leaders. The leaders of the Boomers, Great Khans, and Brotherhood of Steel. The dress-wearing Caesar and his skirt-wearing guard. And now he would get the opportunity to kill even more, to raise an army and drive out the opposing forces. And he would get to shoot plenty of people in the face.

"_I'm ready to go to the dam._"


	16. The Battle

**Part 16: The Battle**

Yes Man was of course pleased about Captain Scruffy's decision to fight at Hoover Dam. He could either use the dam to wake up his Securitron army, or disable the dam altogether. Scruffy was probably going to go with the option where he got a legion of robots to do his bidding. The game picked him up and roughly deposited him outside of Hoover Dam in the middle of battle. His first mission was to install an override chip inside the dam. All he needed was a jam to pump him up. On his Pip-Boy he found a station that was playing the heartbreaking Johnny Guitar song.

"It'll do." Our fearless hero hard jogged into battle, but not before injecting/ingesting a large manner of drugs. A raiding group of centurions charged him as he headed past an array of sandbags. He waylaid them with the Assault Carbine like some sort of expert. But he had just purchased (murdered a man for) a new riot shotgun and he wanted to try it out to see why kind of slaughturder it could produce. It could produce quite a lot of slaughturder. Scruffy mowed down legionary after legionary and ducked inside of the building, taking an elevator down. Deep in the bowels of the dam he felt even more confident. It was quite the riot! Scruffy laughed at his shotgun pun while gleefully killing an unfortunate group of legionaries that had wandered by.

He reached the room his quest marker had told him he needed to be and inserted the override chip. Yes man appeared on the screens before him.

"Hi! Nice to see you again!" Yes Man exclaimed, "And might I add you look quite nice today! I loved the way you forcefully inserted the chip, and the blood spatters on your face really get my core processing!" Scruffy was puzzled, unsure if Yes Man was always this enthusiastic. Scruffy disregarded the notion and selected Yes Man's option to activate his army. He had to then activate a dam plant and finally he could deal with the NCR and legion.

Scruffy left a trail of bodies to the switch and flipped it, turning on the power and awakening his hordes. Then he went outside. His objective marker told him that he needed to go to the Legate's camp and defeat him. He happily complied, fighting his way there, him and his securitron bros reducing centurion packs into limbs and ash.

Scruffy sniped the Praetorian guard outside the camp and then hard jogged inside. He took out a whole squad of the guards with his sniper, calling out "haha no-scoped noob" randomly. When all was quiet, he followed his quest marker to the Legate. Entering conversation, Scruffy skillfully used speech checks. Although he failed in getting Legate Lanius to not charge at him with a blade the size of a small truck, he won a moral victory in convincing him to fight one on one.

Scruffy shot Legate Lanius in the face. Four times. With a Hunting Revolver. The once power Legate actually ran away.

"Aren't you supposed to be the final boss?" Scruffy cried after him, launching potshots with his girl Maria. Legate then ran back at Scruffy with his health slightly recharged. Then ran away. Then came back. After what seemed like the thousandth headshot, he crumpled like a house of cards crumples when faced with a light spring breeze. Scruffy put on the dead man's helmet. He concluded that the helmet made him feel cool. In the quiet there was nothing but the sound of his Pip-Boy beeping.

_You are now addicted to Jet._

_You are now addicted to Whiskey._

_You are now addicted to Psycho._

_You are now addicted to Buffout._

_You are now addicted to Med-X._

_You are now addicted to Steady._

"Totally worth it." Scruffy concluded. As he walked out of the camp, the doors exploded! He was suddenly surrounded by elite NCR rangers and addressed by Lee Oliver, commander of the NCR forces.

"Caesar on the cross. Been a long time since I've seen the kind of work you've laid down today… a damn long time." Lee began.

"Don't you mean a DAM long time?!" Scruffy asked, laughing on the inside. Apparently Oliver didn't get the joke and continued talking.

"And the screams of those legion bastards as they kicked dirt running East, like a choir of angels to my ears. Speaking of - that crazy lightshow over the Fort? What was that? Some kind of thumb of God you pulled down? Amazing. Could use a hundred of you, just scatter you over the East like jacks." Scruffy received the compliments with a beaming smile, and then tried his hardest (failed) to contain his evil laugh.

"_Have you seen my entire army of upgraded Securitrons, General?"_

"And uh, well.. these uh… these boys with you? Hello there, smiley." Oliver declared as the dust conveniently settled to reveal hundreds of Securitrons outside of the camp, weapons loaded. Yes Man rolled up behind Oliver, and Scruffy swore that the robot winked at him. Seductively. Oliver took a few steps closer to Scruffy. Now the Captain was faced with a choice. He could tell the NCR to leave and never come back, or he could have his securitrons kill Oliver and all of his men. He ordered his robots to kill all of the NCR.

"I figured as much. Come on you sons of bitches, we're ready." Came Oliver's last words.

Scruffy shot Oliver in the face. His robots shot all of his friends in the face. He beat the game.

* * *

><p>Back at the Penthouse Captain Scruffy took a swig of whiskey. It had been one crazy, topsy turvy week. He was strolling around half-drunk in his underwear in front of Yes Man's screen. He had killed so, so many people. But it seemed not enough. Nevermind it, he would find new and creative ways to abuse his power every day. Life would be good.<p>

"Um. Scruffy?" ventured Yes Man.

"What is it you want you annoying piece of crap?"

"Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty! Can you recouple my extension cords? It'll sure turn my software into hardware, if you know what I mean!" Scruffy wasn't sure what he meant, or why the pupil's in Yes Man's monitor eyes had suddenly turned to hearts. He backed away slowly, but found himself surrounded by the upgraded Securitrons who were slowly advancing on him...

* * *

><p>"Hello, this is Radio New Vegas, and I'm Mr. New Vegas wishing you! A happy Monday. The recent battle at Hoover Dam has resulted in quite the shakeup for residents of New Vegas and the outlying areas. A man apparently named Lieutenant Scruffles has driven off the Legion and the NCR and reportedly plans to establish himself in Mr. House's place as ruler of New Vegas. In other news, an elderly bearded Hispanic was founded dead in a dumpster behind the Lucky 38 casino this morning. An autopsy revealed death of electric shock delivered by electrodes attached to his nether regions. That's right, this man was shocked to death in the balls. Burned into his forehead were the words "<em>Don't say no to Yes Man.<em>" The leading theory is that the man was the victim of an unfortunate prank and the authorities have no further investigation planned. Thank you all for listening, and remember, you're just as perfect as the day we met. Vegas out."

DFIN


End file.
